Some bad news... and some good

I hate to disappoint. I really care about everyone reading this blog. Dearly. But unfortunately for the next week I will be unable to blog, as apparently up mountains and in jungle they don't have internet. I told them that that was pure selfishness, depriving my readers of their daily fix, but they would not budge. Therefore, this is the last blog for a week.

However (and at this point you can quickly dry your eyes...) I have come up with a list of 10 things that you can do and ponder until the next blog. Perhaps you can do one a day and a couple on the weekend and one when you are feeling a little low and missing me especially. Or you may want to do them all at once. Or you may want to do 5 now and 5 later. It's a bit like a cream egg of a list - how do you read yours?!

1. work out what this is...

I can tell you that from a foot away it looked pretty intimidating

2. Abolish slave labour. I think migrants in Britain are treated appalingly. Southern Europeans have the worst paid, most degrading jobs and they are not even allowed to move around simply to better themselves, to move up in the world, to make a meagre living for themselves and their family. So come on, let's Free Christiano.

3. Give Phil Muncaster a job. Since I have started travelling, news has surfaced of the tragic decline of IT Week. Phil Muncaster, the erstwhile section editor is now on the dole, begging any tech publication that will take him that very niche tech IT is something that he should be employed to write about. It may not excite everyone, but give him a break. Employ Phil.

4. Ponder the demise and subsequent rise of Jeremy Beadle. No one finds cats falling into ponds funny. They never did. Beadle was mocked but then he did the one thing that could restore his reputation. Died. Now he is seen as a charity-loving former 'funnyman'. There is hope for us all.

5. Shut Gareth Barry up. He's only in the England team cos he's got a left foot. I've got a left foot too. He's not very good. I'm not very good too. I'll give anyone who can arrange his sale in the next week a percentage of the transfer fee to shut him up. I have these kind of powers. This also applies to any other mind-numbing summer transfer saga - Berbatov, Keane etc.

6. Measure the orangeness levels in this picture of me snorkling... I'll give you a clue, it's very high!

7. Decide whether you'd rather be a one hit wonder or a one album wonder. Chesney Hawkes vs Alanis Morrisette. Whigfield vs The Verve (I know... but come on, who really cares about the rest..). I think one hit wonder because you get known as a one hit wonder which has a retro-cool, as opposed to being considered a failed pop star, or even worse, a failed Canadian pop star.

8. Tell me when it's going to rain in Kote Kinabalu. It's likely to be 3pm and 9pm from my experience. But if someone could send me some kind of warning signs I'd be appreciative and stop getting so wet. Thanks.

9. Create world peace. Or at least peace between Jews and Arabs. Here's a stolen ditty that will start you off...

You don't eat pigs, We don't eat pigs, It seems it's been that way forever.

So if you don't eat pigs, And we don't eat pigs, Why not, not eat pigs together?

10. Worry. This especially applies to my parents although close friends, colleagues etc are encouraged to worry to. I'm doing something VERY DANGEROUS. I'm climbing a mountain and then going into the jungle where any number of things could happen. So please feel free to spend the next week pacing from one end of the room to the other awaiting the next entry. It would make me feel better and inevitably it will sooth your nerves. It is the most important of the ten.